Suppressed Emotions
an ongoing battle still yet to be conquered
I haven’t been able to write for a while. At least nothing worth publishing in my opinion. Not the truth at least. I spend a lot of time writing in my own time about the possibilities, my dreams and desires. Yet there is little spiritual strength to get to any of it.
Depression runs deep in my family, and I didn’t really know it until very recently. I think it’s in my blood, and I think that I have to actively make sure that it doesn’t come back. I am starting to realize that it might actually be something that I have to deal with for the rest of my life. I think that especially with everything that is going and with what might or might not happen with the world. I’m going to have to find a way to endure. To endure all of this, and to endure all of me. All the weight, all my emotions, and the sensitivity I have towards the world.
I am quite a sensitive person though I feel like not everyone knows that about me. But, I do care and I care a whole lot. I think too much. I think sometimes even about the things that don’t concern me at all. Maybe because it distracts me from my own pain in some way, I don’t know. But, I certainly spend a lot of my time suffering. I think it’s okay to suffer, but I get frustrated with my own suffering. I don’t like to spend too much time suffering, it feels like a waste. It feels like time that I will never be able to get back, yet my body’s instinct is to suffer. To lean into the suffering, and to only suffer as long as it is clear that it is okay to suffer. In some way I am always waiting for permission to suffer too. I don’t know, right now it’s a weird time for me because I feel like I have everything that it takes to succeed, yet I am quite aware that it is me who is getting in the way of my own living.
I haven’t felt very alive in the last couple of months, somehow, I just feel as if I was just running. Running away from something, running away from life. And I’m honestly just getting so over it, it is exhausting to be me sometimes. I get frustrated with myself because like I said I feel like I have so much to give, yet everything seems to hold me back in a way that I can’t help sometimes.
I recently watched a video about how your brain can get addicted to your own suffering, and I don’t know how I feel about that. Somehow it makes me even more upset to think that I am just doing this to myself. Yet, I also look around and think maybe if the world wasn’t so screwed up, but also hasn’t it always been this screwed up? I don’t know, it’s hard to have sympathy for myself when I think that I have no excuse other than just not knowing how to manage my emotions, how to properly process or just endure I guess.
I mean I guess in a way I am enduring, and I endure every day for I am still here living and doing what I can, but I guess part of me wishes that I could do more. That I could show up differently, and better. Not comparing myself with anyone else, but just with a hope and desire to be someone I feel confident and happy in. Most of the time I am quite miserable, I get annoyed at my own misery. Like I said, I can’t help it sometimes, it’s like I have a personal vendetta agains’t the world. But, the world gives me so much to me all the time and so it makes me think that I’m the problem. That maybe somehow I got stuck, and that somehow the way I see the world is wrong. That the way I see my life is all wrong. I know for one that I have to be more grateful. I’m definitely not grateful enough even though I should be, and I’m kinda careless. I don’t care about a lot of things that maybe I should care about. I don’t know there seems to be an inner rebel in me, one who refuses to do anything worth achieving. It’s like being stuck trying to be the cool girl, who’s too cool to do anything, which really makes it even more uncool of me. I never wanted to be that person.. and I really am not sure how I became her.
But anyways, one of the goals I have is to really be more authentic. There is a big lack of authenticity these days, at least it feels like it to me. Like who else is talking about their issues, and life’s problems? Concerns for the world? Not just how angry and pissed off people are at the system, but the real raw things that everyone feels but no one talks about. Anyways, I am starting to sound kinda annoying and pretentious so I am going to leave it there. There is still so much to go, so much to learn, to process, to be. There is still so much, and at the age of 27, I never imagined it being this way. I guess that’s the biggest surprise of them all. I keep getting surprised at how somehow there’s no stop to it, the good or bad. There’s no stop it, it all just keeps going, with or without you. And it’s a relief, but it’s also kinda scary to think that I only have such little time to figure it out. Because the more I keep trying to figure to out, then the less time I spend actually figuring it out by doing it. By just experiencing and learning. I don’t let myself learn enough, such high expectations to be perfect, eat me alive.
I will try to not let them get to me though. I really do want to try, and I truly do want my life to be and feel better. I just have to get out of this funk first, but hopefully slowly I will be able to stay in this place of peace and comfort in knowing that no matter what I’m going to be okay, and that things will be okay, even when they’re not.
Thanks for reading! I still don’t know if any of this is worth your time, but I appreciate you, whoever you are, that is reading this. Thank you, and I wish you the very best in your own journey.
My hope is to get to writing more often, at least to the things that feel worth writing to you all. I think it’s okay to change, and I think it’s okay to try things, even if it feels a little cringe sometimes. Anyways, happy sunday! till next time
Karina